9 Habits of an Excessive Sweater

I sweat. A lot. And when your life constantly has you standing in front of people and talking to them about things, that can be an issue. I know that, for most people, the battle with sweat is a daily one. Here are 9 habits of someone that sweats… a lot:

1. The Back-Up Shirt – Like a conman planning his escape route, many excessive sweaters rely on the “back-up shirt”. If they’re at work, this shirt might sit in the back seat of the car or even hang in a cabinet in their room. Ideally, the shirt is a similar color or style to what they’re currently wearing, but sometimes the back-up has been there for weeks. My theory? The knowledge of the back-up shirt probably makes me sweat more and be less careful. I know there’s a second option and I begin to live with reckless abandon in shirt number one. Never good.

2. The Double Shirt– You could probably call this 1a… but the double shirt is when you buy a shirt that is exactly the same as another shirt. I have this scarlet-colored polo t-shirt. Actually, I have three of them. If I’m ever in desperate straits, I just change out and people suddenly can’t help but notice how much more… refreshed I look.

3. The Shade Hunt– Let’s be honest, we all have that friend that doesn’t want to sit outside for lunch or go for evening walks with their wife. Why? It’s not out of pure laziness… It’s because the contact of direct sunlight on the skin makes us sweat. You will often find excessive sweaters walking awkwardly close to buildings that provide shade. You may also find them standing a little bit apart from the group because they found a tree that’s providing a temperature that’s five degrees cooler than standing in direct light. What we can’t understand is why the rest of you aren’t standing in the shade with us.

4. Parking Near Trees – I will park at least one-hundred yards farther away if it means that, when I get back in my car, it won’t be baked with sunlight. Sometimes, I even go as far as projecting possible sun transitions. If I plan to be in a place for three hours, I try to figure out solar angles and future shade benefits. It’s totally worth it.

5. The Clearly Noticeable Arm Pit Pinch– Ok. This one is pretty embarrassing. But every excessive sweater knows when the flood gates start to open. They realize they’re going to lose unless something is done. Almost everyone has their own move in this moment of crisis. Mine is the clearly noticeable pinch. In a moment lacking in grace, I pinch the pit of my shirt and do my best to divert damage to other parts of the undershirt. I always perform this motion like I’m standing in an invisible dome and no one can see me. In reality, I assume that at least two of my students catch me performing this bizarre action and wonder, “Uhh… what was that?”

6. Walking Through Buildings– Whether on college campuses or in the work place, I have become a professional at walking through buildings. We live in a beautiful time and the majority of our indoor facilities have my favorite invention: air conditioning. If you know you have to walk from point A to point B, it may help to figure out which buildings are along the way. I always do.

7. The George Costanza– If you’ve seen the show, you know what this and I won’t go into too much detail. But when using the public facilities, excessive sweaters do not hesitate to get comfortable by removing their shirts. That’s all I’ll say.

8. Deodorant Graveyard– My wife can attest to this fully. An excessive sweater is a complete sucker for whatever company is pitching whatever product that is supposed to actually stop sweating. They’re all lies. Are there a few products that soften the blow? Of course… But the excessive sweater finds themselves in a desperate position. As a result, their bathroom is commonly filled with at least four different types of antiperspirant, herbal remedies, maybe even a medicine man that they’ve brought in for an interim period.

9. The Tuck – Last but not least is the tuck. This is, perhaps, the most dangerous maneuver executed by the excessive sweater. At some point, we realize that we’ve been beaten. The pit stains are there, they won’t be going away any time soon, we’re done. At that point, the best thing the sweater knows to do is tuck… Suddenly, they’re a few inches skinnier. Their elbows pin to their sides and if they’re presenting or talking in front of people, they avoid lifting their arms or pointing to anyone or doing anything that could reveal what is beneath. Naturally, this tucking motion only exacerbates the problem. At this point, the sweater is concerned not with battling sweat, but with battling their public image.

 

As you can see, the world of an excessive sweater is a very serious matter. I hope you were helped by this reading. If you think you now know an excessive sweater based on this article, please provide them with the support they need in their very difficult journey. I’m also always looking for a little extra cash. If you need to sit down with a professional, I’m your guy.

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