25 Fictional Characters My Fictional Daughter Can’t Date

Wrote this poem for pure funnies. It’s rhymey and silly and hopefully you enjoy it:

Not My Daughter

I’ll never be the dad on the porch with the shotgun.
I wouldn’t know what to do with it anyways.
And so I stand here wondering how I’ll fulfill my hypothetical duties
To my currently inexistent daughter….
And when I think about it that way. It comes to me.
And so I made a little list…
If my wife and I don’t want our fictional daughter to date until she’s twenty-five.
Then here’s a list of twenty-five fictional characters she’s not allowed to date:

Neville Longbottom took too long to bloom.
And I don’t really like Mario’s obsession with mushrooms.
Luigi? He’s always playing second fiddle.
And you better believe she can’t date kids like Tom Riddle.
When Jack Dawson offers her a rose,
I’ll remind him of the one he already let go.
And if Dr. Who comes spinning in from other dimensions
I’ll teach him a few lessons of my own invention.
I’m not trying to be judgmental, but COME ON
Edward Cullen glitters,
Benjamin Button needs baby sitters.
Luke Skywalker kissed his sister
And Jason Bourne would just forget her.
Han Solo’s just a scruffy looking nerf-herder
And Dexter he uh… kind of… commits murder.
Holden Caulfield whines,
And Romeo pines,
Gale’s always off starting wars,
And Jack Sparrow enjoys the…. ladies of the night.
Percy Jackson didn’t finish high school,
And can we all just agree the Red Power Ranger’s a tool?
They say chicks dig scars, but not my daughter…
That eliminates Eragon, Inigo Montoya, and yes… even Harry Potter.
Hey Peeta: the only thing baking in that oven better be bread.
Tyrion Lannister, remember The Reintgen’s also pay their debts.
My daughter deserves more than okay, Augustus Waters.
She deserves a man that sets her heart aflutter,
Turns her knees to butter,
Makes her wordlessly utter…
And that guy, unfortunately, will be all too real.
There will be first dates and awkward proms,
First kisses and touching palms…
And when my daughter thinks she’s found the one…
I’ll tell him a funny story,
About a dad with a “imaginary” shotgun.


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